Word to the wise

Hear me, O gentlemen of the earth. I have some advice that you must hear. But first a story…

I’d just received a little money and was intent on purchasing some groceries, for fear of turning into old mother Hubbard. I do not have a vehicle and the grocery store is fairly close to my little apartment so rather than waiting 30 minutes for the next bus, I walked 20 minutes to the store. I live close to downtown on a street that separates a University and some troubled neigbourhoods. The architecture is brilliantly old, with crumbling brick facades or siding with peeling paint in desperate need of a touch-up. The lawns vary between brilliant and unkempt with a sprinkling of rubbish in between. There is one particular house with a glorious arrangement of tulips in the front of the house. Now you know they ain’t got kids!!! Towards the end of my hike to the store, there is a steep descent to the main street during which the burn in your calves, glutes, quads and hamstrings can be felt. It’s a great walk visually and the air is fairly good.

On my way back, lugging my groceries and happily planning my next meal, I was assaulted with a glimpse of some of the characters in the neighborhood. A black man with old clothes that hadn’t been washed  recently was walking along one of the roads crossing the one I was on. He had a curious hat upon his head that vaguely reminded me of Cat in the Hat.

If you can, picture the hat to be of a faded purple material with a button in the back straining against something. I thought to myself, gee… I wonder what is in the hat and I probably looked at him a little longer than I should. What I found out was that there was a pile of dirty long dreadlocks upon his head. They looked like they had not been washed this century, or else he was in the practice of putting some kind of animal excrement in them. YUKKK!!

Now remember, I’m hefting two large bags of groceries and have a backpack on me.

Now I’m not one to call any of God’s creatures anything other than beautiful, but I do have a penchant for TALLER people 😀 probably because I find those who are not as tall as they wish to be end up acting like dicks to compensate for it! So I tend to avoid them. Unfortunately, this character was challenged in this particular area, and like I always do, I look to the ground or straight ahead and pretend no one is there.

Well, as he was crossing the road, he saw me walking up the steep hill and you could practically see the wheels of his brain turning. Men, please do not be deceived. By the time you come onto a girl, she’s been carefully noting the changes and knows what you are up to. When she gives you her answer, it isn’t a spur of the moment. She’s had a bit of time to think! Anyway, this character suddenly gets a brilliant idea in his head! He’s going to get some! And he’s decided that I’m the perfect candidate to supply him with the some he really wants to be having right now! So he stays on my side of the road, rather than crossing and as I pass him by, he says

“Hey mama, how are you doing?”

WHAT? Surely that line hasn’t worked on a tired ass black woman climbing the hill lugging her groceries back home! Has it? Is there a world where men live, where they can just chat up a laden woman, they’re all scruffy looking and he utters those words then the woman magically turns around with a huge smile on her face and says,

“Hey Papi, I’m doing good! How you doin’?”

Then the conversation progresses to such a state that she’ll follow you with her melting ice cream to the nearest bush, blow you and then bend over so you can have your way with her.

I’m not one to try and understand men but the wise one will listen.

• Offer to help a sista with her heavy load.
• BATHE and don’t look scruffy when you think you might solicit a perfect stranger for sex
• Porn movies don’t translate well into real life
• Neither do regular movies. All those ugly mofos in Hollywood who get the girl, don’t really get the girl!

I don’t like it when dirty scruffy guys hit on me. I know I’m not a picture of beauty but I bathe and wear clean clothes… but that man made me feel like I was scum because he believed in his head (either his momma or some equivalently nasty chick told him) that he can get whatever piece of ass I had looking the way he did.

I went home and took a shower.