I\’m jus\’ sayin\’

May 19, 2008

Celebrating boobs!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 7:08 pm

Ode to

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 12:17 am

I looked at all my lumps
Arrayed in glorious view
They rippled and jiggled and bounced around
It was time for all things new.

My family and friends, they told me
They love me just the same
But it’d sure be easier to hug me
If my lumps, I didn’t maintain

They jiggled when I laughed
And wiggled when I walked
They strained against my best outfits
Made my stomach look like it talked!

So I went to visit the gym
Find out all the things I could do
Signed a contract, found a trainer
Told “Hey girl, it’s up to you!”

I attended all the classes
Danced and jumped and ran and panted
With stocky-kiga-build to avoid
Streches and yoga classes I opted.

Pulled out the mat on which I’d stand
Smiled at my classmates nice and wide
Saw them stretch from the corner of my eye
Started stretching too! Yeah it’s pride!

The class began so did my pain
Each muscle straining to perform
The lumpy dumpy image in the mirror
Was ready to transform.

As we rose to greet the sun
My spine whispered up to me
Hey go easy on me buddy
I’ll stretch out, just wait and see.

Downward facing dog
Oh the horror of this move
My ass stretching out to the sky
My neighbor trying to disapprove.

With our legs stretched out in front
We were asked to touch our toes
Bend our back and keep them straight!
Let us make this energy flow!

As my muscles bent and twisted
And my mind transcended body
Blood coursing through my system
My performance wasn’t shoddy.

I retired to my home
Bent and twisted, totally broken
But the triumph in my heart
Joy and happiness was spoken.

I’ve decided I’d return
To the scene of my embarrassment
Get my ligaments and tendons
To enjoy the yoga movements!

Wanna come?

May 15, 2008

Word to the wise

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 2:50 pm

Hear me, O gentlemen of the earth. I have some advice that you must hear. But first a story…

I’d just received a little money and was intent on purchasing some groceries, for fear of turning into old mother Hubbard. I do not have a vehicle and the grocery store is fairly close to my little apartment so rather than waiting 30 minutes for the next bus, I walked 20 minutes to the store. I live close to downtown on a street that separates a University and some troubled neigbourhoods. The architecture is brilliantly old, with crumbling brick facades or siding with peeling paint in desperate need of a touch-up. The lawns vary between brilliant and unkempt with a sprinkling of rubbish in between. There is one particular house with a glorious arrangement of tulips in the front of the house. Now you know they ain’t got kids!!! Towards the end of my hike to the store, there is a steep descent to the main street during which the burn in your calves, glutes, quads and hamstrings can be felt. It’s a great walk visually and the air is fairly good.

On my way back, lugging my groceries and happily planning my next meal, I was assaulted with a glimpse of some of the characters in the neighborhood. A black man with old clothes that hadn’t been washed  recently was walking along one of the roads crossing the one I was on. He had a curious hat upon his head that vaguely reminded me of Cat in the Hat.

If you can, picture the hat to be of a faded purple material with a button in the back straining against something. I thought to myself, gee… I wonder what is in the hat and I probably looked at him a little longer than I should. What I found out was that there was a pile of dirty long dreadlocks upon his head. They looked like they had not been washed this century, or else he was in the practice of putting some kind of animal excrement in them. YUKKK!!

Now remember, I’m hefting two large bags of groceries and have a backpack on me.

Now I’m not one to call any of God’s creatures anything other than beautiful, but I do have a penchant for TALLER people 😀 probably because I find those who are not as tall as they wish to be end up acting like dicks to compensate for it! So I tend to avoid them. Unfortunately, this character was challenged in this particular area, and like I always do, I look to the ground or straight ahead and pretend no one is there.

Well, as he was crossing the road, he saw me walking up the steep hill and you could practically see the wheels of his brain turning. Men, please do not be deceived. By the time you come onto a girl, she’s been carefully noting the changes and knows what you are up to. When she gives you her answer, it isn’t a spur of the moment. She’s had a bit of time to think! Anyway, this character suddenly gets a brilliant idea in his head! He’s going to get some! And he’s decided that I’m the perfect candidate to supply him with the some he really wants to be having right now! So he stays on my side of the road, rather than crossing and as I pass him by, he says

“Hey mama, how are you doing?”

WHAT? Surely that line hasn’t worked on a tired ass black woman climbing the hill lugging her groceries back home! Has it? Is there a world where men live, where they can just chat up a laden woman, they’re all scruffy looking and he utters those words then the woman magically turns around with a huge smile on her face and says,

“Hey Papi, I’m doing good! How you doin’?”

Then the conversation progresses to such a state that she’ll follow you with her melting ice cream to the nearest bush, blow you and then bend over so you can have your way with her.

I’m not one to try and understand men but the wise one will listen.

  • Offer to help a sista with her heavy load.
  • BATHE and don’t look scruffy when you think you might solicit a perfect stranger for sex
  • Porn movies don’t translate well into real life
  • Neither do regular movies. All those ugly mofos in Hollywood who get the girl, don’t really get the girl!

I don’t like it when dirty scruffy guys hit on me. I know I’m not a picture of beauty but I bathe and wear clean clothes… but that man made me feel like I was scum because he believed in his head (either his momma or some equivalently nasty chick told him) that he can get whatever piece of ass I had looking the way he did.

I went home and took a shower.

May 14, 2008

Expecting too much…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 5:44 pm

It’s hot today and my usual lunch time walks are hampered by the fact that walking in the sunshine makes one feel like nano-bots are attempting to make their way into your skin by riding on a light beam like K-Pax. I forgot my trusty sun-screen which I should really bring with me on a daily basis. So rather than enjoying a couple of well deserved deep breaths I’m stuck here, infront of this computer… counting shit.

Recently I reconnected with an old friend and we talked for a couple of hours trying to catch up on 4 years worth of kabozi. She mentioned not seeing pictures of my grad (May 2007 –  I know, I’m a late bloomer! Sheesh!) and so I sent her the link to the photos so she could enjoy the day with me in the present.

Looking at the pictures brought back some memories of school that still have me wondering how I could have subjected myself to 5 years of torture!

  • Countless nights spent holding two pieces of wood together waiting for the super-glue to set, remembering the warning on the label “Exposure to fumes can cause infertility” and swearing to change to Elmer’s glue.
  • Bank accounts in the negative because I had to purchase walnut in order to make my design work
  • Being chased out of the library with several homework questions still not completed
  • Cursing at the plotter that somehow screwed up that printout
  • Falling asleep in Dr. Glavinich’s classes. Gotdamn! He tries but I just don’t know what it is!!!
  • Running to work so I can log in the proper number of hours so rent can be paid
  • Walking in the damn rain to Walmart to pick up a charger for my dead Sprint phone so I can talk to my people
  • Being cuffed by police who thought my car was stolen
  • Fighting with professors who believed I couldn’t do it (pointing and laughing!)
  • Fundamentals of Engineering
  • Lawrence and it’s backwardness and thinly veiled racism
  • Professors looking at my models, asking why I didn’t build a fucking box. A box?!
  • Architectural History (Parthenon vs. Pantheon? groooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooan)
  • Interviews for internships
  • Summer classes…
  • The idiots in my graduating class
  • The professor who told me to do a class over (fuck you Mr… I can’t even remember your name!)

That day as we passed under the Companile we would each let out a scream and boy oh boy oh boy oh boy when it was my turn, all the frustration, exhaustion, tension, false hope, disappointments etc., came out in the loudest scream I’ve ever uttered. It was great!

 

 

And now I’m here…. counting shit.

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