I\’m jus\’ sayin\’

March 15, 2008

Blursity glub?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 4:51 am

I was traumatized about 3 weeks ago. I’ve only been able to talk freely about it recently.

A friend took us out clubbing where we were going to meet one of her friends for the first time. By all accounts, this other friend was supposed to be engaging and interesting. I’d communicated with her back in 2004 when she wanted some of my articles for a startup magazine. So I thought it might be nice to meet someone new, maybe make a new friend.

We went to a club in downtown Chicago that had a salsa night and some guys were “teaching” salsa dancing and I guess for a certain price you could dance with one of them and see how it’s done.

We picked a table that was off to the side so we could watch the disaster on the floor and participate if we were so inclined.

Suddenly, this lady, about 4’8″ to about 5’0″ walks up to our table and my friend said,

“There she is!”

My friends have teased me about this, but honestly, when I describe what I saw, you are going to understand me.

She was vertically challenged and sported shoulder length dreadlocks that were in dire need of a washing and re-tightening. She’d been drinking for a little while and when she spoke, her breath singed my eyebrows and eyelashes off my face. Her large pronounced features were distinctly African, even though she’s several generations African American and had the typical features, large lips, large nose, large eyes, big but, coupla pounds overweight and huge boobs.

I mention her boobs last even though they are the main subject of my blog today.

The shirt she chose to wear was about 5 sizes too small and I could have sworn from here to Sunday that she stretched the collar of her shirt. Her HUGE saggy double G’s (yes boys, after D cups then the G cups. They skipped E!) had been miraculously lifted into one of the horrible contraptions invented called under wire push-up bras and the white shirt she had on clung fiercely to her nipples which protruded  because it’s the middle of winter…

I’m not sure what this woman’s point was, but when she was offered a seat, she heaved her bosom onto the table as though that were better support for them. So every time I reached for my drink on the small table that was already crowded with our arms and drinks I had to make sure my hands didn’t touch her bosom. Look I’m not trying to give anyone ideas here!

What did she want? What did she expect? How was I supposed to concentrate on her conversation when all I could think was, “DAYMN! Those are some large saggy-ass gazunga’s you’ve got there! That’s a feat of physics!” They were so close to my drink and she was practically bare-chested!

So like any polite person I gave her breasts some of my attention, didn’t listen to her conversation whatsoever, she wasn’t talking to me anyway. And decided I’d tell y’all about it.

Dave Chapelle tells it best when he says, the signals women are giving when they dress like this are very confusing (even to us women! After all this is the age of sexual freedom, right? Ha!). He says it’s like getting into a cab and then telling the driver, “Um, no. I don’t really want to go anywhere. I just want to sit in your cab.”

This, however, wasn’t a titillating experience for me (pardon the pun) . It was purely scientific amazement at the power of silk under-wire bras and the torture women will go through to get some looks on a Friday night!

Check out the video!!!



  1. ever since i was born i have had a fascination for mammaries, first for nutrition and bonding with mum then now for pleasure and bonding with whatever unfortunate woman i might be dating at the time…

    Comment by 31337 — March 15, 2008 @ 8:17 pm | Reply

  2. All boys do. Just don’t treat them like knobs or squeeze toys.

    Comment by imnxtac — March 15, 2008 @ 8:27 pm | Reply

  3. That’s some graphic … um, description?. Her breath singed my eyebrows. Jesus Christ.

    Comment by The 27th Comrade — March 17, 2008 @ 7:13 am | Reply

  4. Kale, for your description alone I’ve redoubted and read again. I almost never do that. That’s some rocket-fuel description. Christ the Nazarene. I’m floored like totally.

    Comment by The 27th Comrade — March 17, 2008 @ 7:16 am | Reply

  5. True for Dave Chappelle’s humour!

    Had no idea Ladies had such similarities with guys Nappy-B!

    Comment by Mr. B2B — March 26, 2008 @ 11:59 am | Reply

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