I\’m jus\’ sayin\’

February 2, 2008

New Vision with no strong feelings about rape

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 4:05 am

It is with utter shame and disgust that I denounce the Women’s Vision of the New Vision. I happened upon a discussion that I have pasted below.

———————————————-

Dear Counsellor,
I am 34 years and my husband is 38. I recently discovered my husband has been cheating on me with a girl I take as my daughter. I had a fiancé who died in an accident in 2002 but because he had a daughter whom we were staying with at that time, I took her over as she had nowhere to go. She was in S.1 then. I got this other man in late 2004 and we agreed to stay together. I told him all about this girl and requested him to take her as his daughter. To my surprise, I learnt recently that my husband has been having sex with this girl since early 2006. When I questioned her, she told me she feared to tell me because I would send her away before she attended her S.5 and S.6. Recently when he asked her to have sex, the girl felt enough was enough and decided to tell one of my sisters. When I asked the man about it, he insisted he has never done it and that he should never see this girl in our home again. What can I do? I feel like killing myself because of shame. Can I divorce this man? Can I still keep this girl? Please help.
G.K

Dear G.K
You seem so deeply hurt and in need of making drastic decisions but you are not sure whether they are the right ones. Drastic decisions without thinking deeply of the consequences may seem rewarding in the beginning, but in reality they are disastrous.
However, do not to despair; it is not yet a hopeless situation. Something can be done but you need to gather up strength to face the situation at hand. It may bring you shame and devastation but you need to know it is not an easy battle to fight. There is no easier way to deal with it than to face it.
You need to realise that three key areas are at stake here: your relationship with your husband, the life of your daughter and the emotional torture you have to endure.
Your decision on what to do will largely depend on whether you feel you still have a chance of a relationship with your husband. Do you still want to continue with him? It may be hard to have an immediate answer to this but you need to take a definite action.
There are three things you may have to think through:
l There may still be a chance for dialogue. However, it takes a lot of patience as it might not yield much immediately, especially if the two of you are still emotionally strained. It may be wise to seek the help of a third party. This could be a professional counsellor who will help you think through these issues before you make a decision. You are likely to find that there is more to this conflict than the extra-marital affair.
l Divorce is a permanent issue and it is legally binding. Once the decision has been made in court, it cannot be reversed. If you feel you cannot continue, you need to brace yourself for court. In this case you may also need to file a case for defilement because your daughter has been abused — that is if she is below the age of 18. In most cases, especially if a child is defiled, they are manipulated and intimidated by the defiler and if they are not empowered, they cannot speak out easily. You can resort to this option if dialogue has completely failed.
l Another option would be separation. This is more temporary and it gives you time to reorganise yourself and think through the events. It can also be the time within which you can have a dialogue. In the meantime, it may not be wise to keep this girl in the house as this may worsen the conflict. You may need to find a safer place for her and let her know that this is in her best interest since her life is endangered.
Do not lose hope; you can go through this successfully.

—————————————————————————-

What the fuck?!

I had to calm myself down after I read this. What kind of society have we become? What kind of place are we making to raise our children in? How can this response be acceptable in any way?  Why do women treat each other so poorly? This young girl has been hurt. Of course we’re not addressing her issues, but that should automatically become the focus.

Did I get this wrong or didn’t this woman just say that a young girl/woman in her care was being raped repeatedly by her husband? Didn’t she say that the rape of this minor in her house has been going on for 2 years? Did she not also say that this young woman was in her care and that she had no one to turn to and nowhere to go after her father died?

So, why does the New Vision advise the woman to “work things out” with this rapist? Why does she advise her to send the girl away so she can work things out with her husband?

Just for the record, my Mother would have made minced meat of anyone who even looked at me suspiciously.

Our national newspaper advises women everywhere to mistrust the word of another woman who has been raped and instead side with the offender by attempting to restore some kind of relationship with him. Are there no decent men left in Uganda? Then why advise this woman to patch things over with her rapist husband?

I’m so confused and hurt and annoyed at the advice this two bit counselor is giving this woman. Marriage isn’t the be-all end-all of a woman’s existence. And rape is real, it is the greatest invasion  and the worst possible way that one person can exert their power over another human being. It is degrading. It is the tool used to disenfranchise a people. The English did it to the Scots, the Americans did it to the slaves they took, today in war zones that is what soldiers do to the women.

Ah, New Vision… I despise your women’s section.

Advertisements

14 Comments »

  1. Yay! At last someone is bringing that horrible advice column in the New Vision to order.

    This particular issue is sadly indicative of what many Ugandans think of defilement. Often the teenage child is held at fault for being ‘in the wrong place at the wrong time’, of flaunting her sexuality in front of men, of giving in too easily. Hardly anyone rises to their defense, feeling instead for the wounded wives of the defiling husbands. Instead there are calls for lightening the penalty on defilement and lowering the age of consent.

    It is sad. And for the New Vision to perpetuate this injustice is unacceptable.

    Comment by tumwijuke — February 4, 2008 @ 6:30 am | Reply

  2. I tried writing to them. Then I remembered New Vision doesn’t respond and something about tradition and preserving culture blah blah blah.

    *rolling eyes*

    Comment by Gloriyah — February 4, 2008 @ 8:04 am | Reply

  3. my goodness, that is just so sad. rape is like one of the worst fears for any woman. actually hadn’t read this in the paper…

    indeed are there so few men in this world that she would even consider staying with a man who had raped her daughter?!

    just sad that this is how life is for so many girls.

    Comment by Sybella — February 5, 2008 @ 12:27 pm | Reply

  4. I know! Something needs to be done!

    Comment by imnxtac — February 5, 2008 @ 5:48 pm | Reply

  5. […] 7, 2008 My seestah is incensed.  She’s suffering her no fools and taking no prisoners.  Join her in her righteous anger, will […]

    Pingback by Making My Blog Day « Ugandan Insomniac — February 7, 2008 @ 5:35 pm | Reply

  6. I couldn’t finish this shit. Just jumped to your rage and saw a faint mirror of my own.

    I won’t say much, because I’m not a chic. By the way, Tum, your comment is spot-on in an angering way. :o(

    Comment by The 27th Comrade — February 8, 2008 @ 4:56 am | Reply

  7. What is saddest is that we claim to have a ‘civil society’ and ‘women rights activitists’. W.T.F. DON’T THEY RESPOND TO SUCH ISSUES? Why do donors fund agencies like Hope After Rape, ANPCANN, and the myriad so called child rights agencies if they cannot respond categorically to such blatant ignorance?

    B.t.w the counsellor is a lady who on public TV called her late hubby a weak, cheating dog for bringing HIV into the home.

    Comment by Victoria — February 8, 2008 @ 5:37 am | Reply

  8. 🙂 I’ve got comments?! Thanks for the shout out Tumwijuke! You’re the best!

    @27th Comrade: You should say a lot because, unfortunately, our society still deems non-chics the highest authority in ALL matters. If more of you non-chics got incensed then maybe something would be done for the chics.

    @Victoria: It’s heartbreaking. Most people are ignorant though, aren’t they? College degrees still have not helped educate us at a more fundamental level. And for calling her husband names… sigh… like that is going to change anything if she stayed with him till the very end.

    Thanks for visiting!

    Comment by imnxtac — February 8, 2008 @ 3:16 pm | Reply

  9. finally !
    someine shares my ire!
    i dont get hw u ask a woman to attempt to restore a relationship with a man who raped her daughter! i just dont. and even more suspect, whats the lady still doing with the dude in the first place?
    d day i read that it shamed me to be a man. kabisa

    Comment by degstar — February 8, 2008 @ 5:44 pm | Reply

  10. Nasty Shyte Your Nappiness…
    But, then again the woman GK seems a lot more insecure than usual…

    Don’t have any respect for such gents, or should i say fellaz, who can’t seem to respect chics/ women/ ladies…

    Saw this @Tumwijuke’s…

    Comment by Mr. B2B — February 9, 2008 @ 10:39 am | Reply

  11. Degstar & Mr B2B

    Thanks for the non-chic support 🙂

    It takes a very weak man to take advantage of someone weaker than himself.

    Comment by imnxtac — February 9, 2008 @ 4:43 pm | Reply

  12. Did you write to the NV? Bits of your argument (sanitized of course, hehe) were published today.

    Yay!

    Comment by tumwijuke — February 12, 2008 @ 10:29 am | Reply

  13. I saw your comment was in there as well! I sent them a link to the blog and called them cowards and what not. Anyway, they couldn’t even get my name straight!!! Grrrrrr.

    Comment by imnxtac — February 12, 2008 @ 5:22 pm | Reply

  14. You got ished by Global Voices …

    http://www.globalvoicesonline.org/2008/02/19/uganda-bloggers-tangle-with-mainstream-media/

    Comment by tumwijuke — February 19, 2008 @ 11:50 am | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: