I\’m jus\’ sayin\’

August 1, 2007

Breathing

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bwandungi @ 3:35 am

I close my eyes , hold my breath and count to ten. Slowly I exhale as my mind visualizes the arabic representations of the numbers so familiar to my brain.

One…
Two…
Three…
Four…
Five…
Si….

RATS! I can’t get through six! I can never get through six! Mostly because the fear of suffocation survives in each cell that makes up the parts of my body. The traumatic event that is recalled every time I feel I’m unable to draw breath does not inhabit any brain cells that I use on a regular basis. I doubt it really exists BUT pretending that it does gives the illusion that I’m really more interesting and complex.

In the darkness that my eyelids provide, I return to controlling my breath.

Inhale… 1… 2… 3… 4…

Are my lungs collapsing?! I touch my chest and cock my head to the side and take a couple of deep breaths and listen for the telltale signs of asthma. I’m sure I’ve got it! What is that sound? Was that a… ? I cough a little to dislodge some phlegm caught in my throat and the sound disappears. Phew! That was a close one!!!

I still cannot seem to draw a big enough breath to calm my brain down. Even though I know it is my brain influenced by my imagined traumatic event, I can’t seem to control the places my imagination takes me. Maybe my breaths will become shallower still until all the red blood cells in my body are completely drained of any trace of oxygen, my lips will turn blue…

The thick wet molecules of air surround me. Laying heavily in the air they obstruct the flow of clean cool air I’m desperately trying to suck into my nostrils. I feel slightly light headed from my feeble attempts at breath control and my near brushes with scary breathing problems like asthma.

I tried. I really did!  Turn on the damned air!!!!! This is Houston.

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